Consideration - Are You Raising a Considerate Child - or a People-Pleaser?

FIVE WAYS to Teach Consideration Without Creating a People-Pleaser

1. Teach Children to Consider Everyone—including Themselves

Ask: “What would respect both people’s needs?”

👶 Toddler situations

• Let them keep playing with a toy until their turn ends rather than forcing immediate sharing.

• Accept a wave instead of demanding a hug or kiss.

• Help them say, “I’m using it. You can have it next.”

🎒 Primary School situations

• Let them protect a few special belongings from general sharing.

• Help them decline a game that makes them uncomfortable.

• Ask what feels fair to them during a disagreement.

🎓 Teenage situations

* Support them in declining an invitation when they need rest.

* Help them refuse to lend something valuable they cannot afford to lose.

* Remind them that caring about a friend does not require constant availability.

🎯 Purpose

Teaches children that consideration is mutual.

🌱 Adult Outcome

Someone who can care for others without abandoning themselves.

2. Teach a Respectful No

A child who cannot say no is not necessarily considerate. They may simply be afraid of another person’s reaction.

👶 Toddler situations

• Practise saying, “No hug today.”

• Teach them to say, “Stop. I don’t like that.”

• Let them refuse help with a task they want to attempt independently.

🎒 Primary School situations

• Rehearse: “No, thank you. I don’t want to play that.”

• Help them say, “Please ask before using my things.”

• Teach them to refuse to keep secrets involving bodies, threats, fear or unsafe behaviour.

🎓 Teenage situations

• Practise refusing alcohol, vaping or risky dares.

• Help them respond to pressure for photographs or private information.

• Teach them to say, “I understand you’re disappointed, but my answer is still no.”

🎯 Purpose

Gives children the language to maintain boundaries respectfully.

🌱 Adult Outcome

Someone who can decline pressure without becoming aggressive or apologising for having limits.

3. Correct Behaviour Without Labelling the Child

Calling a child “selfish” or “inconsiderate” attacks identity rather than teaching judgement.

Describe what happened, explain its effect and guide repair.

👶 Toddler situations

• “You grabbed the truck while Leo was using it. Please give it back and wait.”

• “Your shouting woke the baby. Let’s use quieter voices.”

• “There are blocks in the walkway. Someone could trip. Let’s move them.”

🎒 Primary School situations

• “You took the last two pieces without checking whether anyone else wanted one.”

• “You shared her news before she was ready. How could you repair that?”

• “Rules don’t change because you’re winning or losing. Changing rules because you’re losing makes the game unfair.”

🎓 Teenage situations

• “You shared that screenshot without permission. Who could be affected?”

• “When you arrived late without contacting us, several people were left waiting.”

• “You can disagree with others, but when you make personal insults, you cross a boundary.”

🎯 Purpose

Connects behaviour with impact without defining the child by one choice.

🌱 Adult Outcome

Someone who can accept responsibility without collapsing into shame or defensiveness.

4. Help Children Distinguish Kindness From Compliance

Children need to know that another person’s disappointment does not automatically mean they have done something wrong.

👶 Toddler situations

• Reassure them that Grandma can feel disappointed about the missed hug and still be okay.

• Allow them to finish their turn while another child waits.

• Let them choose between two suitable ways to help rather than commanding affection.

🎒 Primary School situations

• Explain that they do not have to invite every child to every private activity.

• Support them in ending play when another child repeatedly ignores safety rules.

• Teach them that they may disagree respectfully with a friend.

🎓 Teenage situations

• Help them recognise guilt-tripping disguised as friendship.

• Explain that healthy relationships allow separate interests and friendships.

• Support them in reporting harmful behaviour even when someone demands secrecy.

🎯 Purpose

Separates consideration from fear-based obedience.

🌱 Adult Outcome

Someone who recognises manipulation and builds relationships based on mutual respect.

5. Model Boundaries and Consideration Together

Children watch whether parents consider other people while also respecting their own time, energy and dignity.

👶 Toddler situations

• Say, “I’ll help after I finish eating.”

• Explain, “I don’t want to be climbed on. You may sit beside me.”

• Tell them, “I’m speaking. Unless it’s urgent, please wait.”

🎒 Primary School situations

• Say no to an unreasonable request without inventing an excuse.

• Protect time for rest while explaining when you will be available.

• Apologise when your frustration makes your words unnecessarily harsh.

🎓 Teenage situations

• Refuse to take on a responsibility they can manage themselves.

• Discuss the unfair distribution of household work before resentment builds.

• Demonstrate how to disagree firmly without insulting or humiliating anyone.

🎯 Purpose

Shows that consideration and self-respect belong together.

🌱 Adult Outcome

Someone who gives thoughtfully, communicates honestly and does not expect others to read their mind.