Fairness - “That’s Not Fair!” – Why You Shouldn’t Ignore It and What to Teach Instead
“That’s Not Fair!” – Why You Shouldn’t Ignore It and What to Teach Instead
“THAT’S NOT FAIR!”
If you’ve ever had this phrase hurled at you with all the fire of a courtroom drama—welcome. You’re a parent.
And believe it or not, that outburst is not the problem. It’s the starting point.
It’s tempting to roll your eyes or respond with, “Life’s not fair—get used to it.”
But the truth is, your child is trying to make sense of the world. They’re testing the rules. They’re feeling powerless. And they’re wondering if you can be trusted to do the right thing.
Behind every “That’s not fair!” is a deeper question:
“Do you see me? Do you understand? Can I trust you to be just?”
Fairness is one of the earliest values children develop—but also one of the most misunderstood.
Kids confuse fairness with equality. They believe that if someone gets more, something must be wrong. But fairness isn’t about everyone getting the same. It’s about everyone getting what they need.
And when you help your child grasp this, you’re not just teaching a concept—you’re shaping their moral foundation. You’re raising a human who can walk into a chaotic world and know how to choose what’s right.
Here's how to respond wisely and raise fair-minded kids with integrity:
Use Everyday Scripts
When your child complains about inequality, try:
“I know that feels unfair. Let me explain why I made that decision.”
“You both have different needs right now, and fairness means meeting those needs—not matching everything exactly.”Teach the ‘Shoe Analogy’
Use visual, tangible language:
“If you wore size two shoes and I gave you size eight because it was ‘equal,’ would that be fair?”
It lands every time.Make Fairness Visible
Create a chore or reward rotation chart that everyone can see and understand the turn-taking system. Fairness feels more real when it’s seen, not just said.Hold a Family Fairness Talk
Weekly or even monthly, ask:
“Did anything feel unfair this week? Let’s talk about it.”
These conversations normalise respectful disagreement and show kids that fairness is a shared value, not a power struggle.Model Fairness Under Pressure
When you’re exhausted, frustrated, or tempted to “just say no,” pause, let your kids see you wrestle with what’s fair—and choose it anyway. That’s integrity in action.
According to child development research, kids begin noticing fairness as early as age 3.
By age 6, they’re judging others’ actions based on perceived fairness.
By 8, they’re developing complex moral reasoning.
This means how you respond now shapes how they handle injustice, favouritism, exclusion, and power—for life.
Your fairness today becomes their integrity tomorrow.
Your child’s “That’s not fair!” may be frustrating—but it’s also a sign of something powerful:
They care about justice.
They’re paying attention.
And they’re ready to learn how to navigate a world that isn’t always kind or equal.
When you respond with wisdom, not shame, you’re raising a child who will one day stand up for themselves and others.
Book a free Parenting Plan Call to learn how to raise a fair-minded child in an unfair world—without burning yourself out in the process.
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About Trish Corbett
Passionate about helping new parents by sharing what she wishes she had known as a young parent so they can raise their children with clarity, confidence and values.
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